Autonomy ALWAYS Comes First
I've always found my music to be imperative for calming me down and relaxing me. When I travel, I try and pack at least one musical instrument if I can, even if I'm only going away for the night.
About 11 years ago, I attended a week long course in the Dominican Republic. Naturally, I brought my guitar with me - an essential item. I love travelling and visiting new places. Novelty - as is the case with many PDA people - excites me.
It wasn't, however, until this trip that I realised how conducive my guitar was to my feeling safe and grounded. One evening, a few days into the course, the group were sitting around a bonfire when the person in charge said to me:
"Harry, you brought your guitar with you, didn't you? I'd love for you to go and get it so that we can all hear you play." A few of the others who were gathering around were listening in on the conversation. Some nodded, excitedly, whilst others chimed in with, "yes! That would be great!"
"Alright then, yeah! I'll do it!" I enthusiastically exclaimed. I meant this; I really did. What happened next, though, seemed contradictory.
When I returned back to my room, I removed my beautiful, cherished acoustic guitar from its case and looked at it for a moment. I then proceeded to rip out the strings. I may have been a competent and experienced guitarist by that point in my life, but I sure as hell did not have a clue how to restring one.
(PDA knew I couldn't do this, which is why it targeted the guitar strings.)
I had to spend the rest of that course without music, which is NOT meant to happen. As I said before, playing music is therapy to me. It is medicinal, and nutritional. That wasn't the only time PDA struck me that week, either.
On another day when we were asked to carry out a task we had to complete individually, I feigned illness by clutching my stomach and staggering off back to my room. I kept these "symptoms" up for the remainder of the day, even when around the other course attendees and the person in charge. When asked what was wrong with me, I explained that I had "overdosed on zinc". 🤷♂️
So, why would I rip the strings out of my guitar and make myself forgo playing music for a week? Why would I do that to myself? This is an example of how irrational PDA is. The way in which PDA prioritises that which is safe and that which isn't is bizarre.
Enduring more than a day without music just does not happen with me. And yet, in that moment, I was convinced it was safer to sacrifice my emotional well-being for the rest of the week by dodging the danger inherent to complying with that demand placed upon me.
This tells me that no matter how dear to my heart I think something is, and no matter how imperative something is for my physical, psychological and emotional survival, AUTONOMY will ALWAYS be at the top of my being's priority list.
I need food, yes. I need to play music, yes. I need community, yes. But PDA is prepared to sacrifice any of these things if autonomy is under threat.